Chillsville, USA

This is Sheriff Socks. He may have a gruff exterior, but on the inside he’s just a fun loving guy with an affinity for Taylor Swift and apple fritters from Starbucks. But if you mess around in Chillsville, watch out. Socks doesn’t stand for the perpetuation of the following offenses: mixed martial arts, religious fanaticism, Red Bull-Vodkas, stockbrokers, spin classes, Nicole Kidman, clowns, monogrammed Coach purses, hate, and velcro-strapped men’s footwear.

This is Antoine Dogson.

That’s all.

This is the vice chancellor of Chillsville, Captain Admiral Julia Axlerad, enjoying some hummus and hookah at Fluffy’s Falafel.

This is Habib El Khatib (no relation). He runs Fluffy’s Falafel, the finest in Middle Eastern cuisine, beloved by Chillsville locals for their Salaam O Latkas, the Holy Mullah Mole (it’s fanatically fantastic!), and the delightful Chai Osama Bin Lattes. But they’re probably best known for their Afghanistan War special, a pricey but never ending buffet of despair. Oh, and there’s hookah too.

This is Armeownd Van Helden. He’s part of Chillsville’s premier DJ collective, Kat Scratch Fever. Armeownd and the rest of the crew (Peanut Butter Cat, Meowk Ronson, and Tiesto) can be found every Friday and Saturday night at Chillistry of Sound spinning the best in minimal techno, deep house, and every remix of Mambo #5 known to man.

This is Captain Ralph who runs the all you can eat seafood restaurant Craw and Order: Seafood Victims Unit on Spring St. where you can pile your plate high with crab cakes, fish sticks, lobster rolls, as well as hit up the salad bar which boasts 13 different flavors of Ranch dressing. There’s also a never-ending nacho cheese fountain, just in case that’s how you roll.

Be sure to stop in Tuesdays at 7pm, when the signature cocktail, the “Arrrrrrrrr You Ready To Party?” (vodka, clamato, tartar sauce, garnished with peyote and a lemon wedge) is half price.

Maybe here in Chillsville we sometimes takes four months off for summer vacation. We need time to utilize the community wave pool, rewatch The Larry Sanders show in its entirety, and prepare 120 days of different potato salads. So don’t give us any flack for it, because that’s not chill, man.

You know what IS chill? Awesome Blossoms, Wayne’s World 1 and 2, and this guy.